It seems like many young marrieds today are still attached to their parents and vice versa. As one mother exclaimed at a wedding, “I didn’t lose a daughter. I gained a son.”  It sounds like she doesn’t want to let go of her daughter so her daughter can establish her own family. The biblical passage in Genesis 2:24 is God’s directive on how marriages are to be launched. He says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh” (KJV). Leaving and cleaving, those are God’s terms for how newlyweds are to launch their married lives. Let’s look at the two key words, “leave” and “cleave.”

What does the Bible mean when it tells a husband to “leave” his father and mother? Is leave a geographic term implying move to another location or is it a relational term meaning an emotional and relational leaving? Here is what Pastor Ted Cunningham says concerning the nature of leaving parents, “Leaving your parents relationally and emotionally means you abandon their expectations for your life. You begin making decisions with your spouse in mind, not your parents.” Pastor Cunningham lists six keys for making that happen[1]:

1. Prioritize your spouse over your parents.
2. When in conflict, don’t seek your parents as allies.
3. Never compare your spouse to a parent
4. Don’t take responsibility for your parents’ emotions, words, or actions.
5. Forgive your parents.
6. Stop obeying your parents, but never stop honoring them.

How do you know if you haven’t left your parents? You are still tied to them financially. You have not severed your dependence on what your parents can provide. You are still on their insurance policy, cell phone plan, credit card. You are still tied to them emotionally. You accompany them on your annual vacation. They still exercise an inordinate amount of control over you and you still try to please them and gain their approval.

Cleaving is the joining together of a husband and wife. The Hebrew word means “to stick, join, or fasten together.” So cleaving is what happens when a husband and wife bond to one another. Cleaving is like epoxy glue. There are two parts to epoxy glue. Both parts are necessary if adhesion is to occur. Part A is the goo. Goo is good.. It’s the warm, lovey, feely part of intimacy that we want when we’re married. Part B is the hardening agent that keeps us stuck together even through the most difficult of times. Cleaving requires both parts, the sensual, loving, “gooey” part and the hardening commitment part that weathers the tough stuff of life.

Helping couples launch their marriages,

Irv