All of us get angry at times and rightly so. Anger is woven into our emotional makeup. We are made in the image of God (imago dei) and God gets angry. He is a wrathful God. The problem is that His anger is always righteous being directed at sin and unrighteousness. Our anger is seldom righteous or godly. We become angry when our goals are frustrated, when someone fails or disappoints us, when we feel wronged or experience a perceived injustice, or when we don’t get our way. Anger is not the problem. Our motive and attitudes are. As a side note, you aren’t angry because you inherited a short fuse from one of your parents or because of your nationality (Polish, Irish, Italian, etc.). You make the choice to become angry.
Anger can be a positive emotion. It can propel us to take action in the face of injustice or sin and we should be angry at injustice and sin. That’s righteous anger. The Bible exhorts us to be angry but don’t sin. It says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26, 27). Anger that is not managed can destroy us. It can turn into bitterness, vengeance, and even murder (consider Cain and Abel). So, then, anger is both a primary emotion woven into our being and a secondary emotion triggered in us by something or someone. It can be a negative or positive emotion.
What are some proven strategies for managing sinful anger so that it doesn’t destroy us. Here are ten of them:
- Breathe-when angry, focus on breathing slowly and deeply for a period of several seconds. This will give you a chance to calm down and lower your pulse rate.
- Count—it’s not an old wives’ tale. Counting to 10 or 100 actually does calm us down and helps us gain focus on the real issue.
- Time Out—taking a time out is not just for children. Adults need to give themselves a time out to walk away and calm down. The time out should be boundary-defined with a time limit on it.
- Empathize—put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Why is he/she acting or saying this? What is driving them to respond to you such that you are becoming angry?
- Reflective Listening—Whether you call it reflective listening, speaker-listener technique, or responsive paraphrasing, it works. Reflect back to the other person what they’ve said to you. This proven technique slows down the conversation and keeps it from escalating. It has the added bonus of making the other person feel good that you really listened and heard him/her.
- Prayer—Pray for the other person, yourself, and the situation. Ask God to intervene and calm you down and give His peace.
- Self-Talk—Speak peace to yourself. Say to yourself, “on the scope of all eternity what difference will this make.” Probably not much.
- Choose to Let It Go—Since anger is a choice, we can choose to overlook an offense or sin. Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger,and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
- Go to Problem-Solving Mode—Instead of growing angry, flip the conversation to problem-solving. What can we do about this? How can this be resolved so it is a win-win situation?
- Self-Awareness—Know your triggers. Why do you get angry? What triggers you? Gain some emotional insight by learning and, if possible, avoiding your triggers.
Don’t give the devil an opportunity,
Irv