It is important when we talk about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships to know what healthy relationships actually look like. Most of us seem to recognize what is not healthy and what doesn’t work well, but knowing what to do about it is not easy. We may also have a vague understanding of what healthy relationships look like because the people in them seem to be happy, though we may not know what their relationship “secret” is. Consideration of some characteristics of healthy relationships may help clarify why some relationships survive and thrive and some do not.
Healthy lateral relationships, specifically the marriage relationship, are mutual, reciprocal, and free. Not all relationships are of equal power and authority, i.e. parent-child, employer-employee; but most of our peer relationships, parents and adult children, and especially marriage should be. We probably have all experienced friendships where one person has done all the giving and the other person has done all the receiving. This is an example of a relationship that is not reciprocal. Since we expect our friendships to be reciprocal, this lack of reciprocity will lead to resentment in the person doing all the giving and in time the relationship will end. A relationship without reciprocity is actually a ministry, not a friendship. A ministry is a fine thing to have, but a friendship that is actually a ministry is not what we “signed up for.”
Mature relationships require mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom in order to thrive (Leslie Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, chapter 2). Let’s look closer at each of these essential ingredients. Mutuality means that the marriage is characterized by mutual caring, mutual honesty, mutual respect, mutual responsibility, and mutual repentance. There is a high degree of expectation that comes with mutuality. The expectation is that if I do this for the marriage, you will do it too. Problems occur when these qualities are not present in the marriage and when the expectation of the mutual honoring of them is not realized.
Reciprocity in a healthy marriage means that both husband and wife give and both receive. There is safe and open communication of thoughts and ideas with loving tolerance for different perspectives and opinions. There are no attempts to talk someone into agreeing with the opinion and agenda of the other. Disagreements are handled with kindness and respect. Respectful listening and problem-solving strategies are implemented. Power and responsibility needs to be equally shared and the rules need to be the same for both spouses. For example, the couple needs to agree on a budget and how finances will be spent. They each need to follow the spending plan. They need to check with the other regarding purchases above a specified amount.
Freedom means that the husband and wife are free to make choices, give input, and express ideas and feelings without fear of manipulation or retaliation. Both are free to be themselves without pressure to become something they are not. Love flourishes where there is freedom. Without freedom to be who we are, freedom to say yes or no, love will die. Love compels us to be sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of our spouse but does not require us to change who we are to please them. When insecurity and selfishness cause one person to want to control the other, that is not healthy and it is not love.
We all need to periodically do some thoughtful self-evaluation of ourselves and our relationships. Are our relationships and marriages characterized by mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom? Do we have a I Corinthians 13 marriage?
Wishing you healthy relationships and a loving, Christ-honoring marriage,
Elsie