Are we nice or are we kind? President Barry Corey of Biola University, a Christian university in Southern California, addresses that very issue in his book, Love Kindness. So what’s the difference between niceness and kindness? Corey describes “fierce kindness” and “cosmetic . . . bland niceness.” He says, “Niceness is keeping an employee in the job, knowing he’s no longer the right fit but failing him and the company because you don’t have the courage to do the right thing. Kindness calls you to tell him he’s not the person for the position and then dignify him in the transition.” Have you ever known that to happen? I have seen both.

Do we practice superficial niceness instead of tough love kindness in our dealings with others? It requires tough love to speak the truth kindly, lovingly to someone. The Bible says, we are to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). It’s far easier to gloss over the truth and be nice rather than speak the unvarnished truth in a kind manner. You are not being nice if you don’t speak the truth. If you’re dating, you are not being nice by stringing others along because you don’t have the courage to tell them what they really need to hear, the truth.

For the incompetent employee, niceness lets him/her think he’s doing a good job. For the no-chemistry boyfriend or girlfriend, niceness strings them along making them think that the relationship is fine. For the relative who says rude and inappropriate things, niceness smiles and acts as if nothing offensive was said. Each of these examples illustrates a fear of offending someone. Kindness muscles up its courage and risks the relationship to speak the truth in love. The “in love” component is just as important and maybe even more so than speaking the truth. The truth will not be received without love and you’ll simply be called “a hater.”

Are you nice or kind?

Irv