It is important in counseling to help clients understand the relationship between events and issues. Events are things that happen in life. Some are good and some are bad and some are neutral. Some make us happy. Some cause us sadness or fear. Some trigger anger. Sometimes seemingly insignificant or minor events trigger a disproportionate amount of anger. Events are just things that happen. Issues are filled with emotional impact and are often triggered by events. If you ever notice that an event causes a significant emotional reaction in yourself or someone else, that event has probably triggered an unresolved issue.
Most couples are not intentional about resolving issues once the anger has subsided. They may or may not apologize for unkind words and deeds, but until they deal with the issues and hidden issues, there will be another angry explosion when the issues are triggered again. It is important to deal with issues in non conflict discussions. Counselors often ask clients, and especially couples, once things have calmed down, if they know what issue was triggered and if they think the issue has been resolved. Sometimes they are relieved that the event is over and don’t want to think about it any further. Sometimes they have apologized and forgiven each other. If they are not angry anymore they often don’t see the need to revisit the issue. The past is in the past, right? Forgive and forget, right? Wrong. If issues are not resolved, they will be triggered again and there will be another angry conflict. Unresolved issues may lie dormant for awhile but they are lying just below the surface waiting to erupt again. Buried even deeper are the hidden issues which are fueling the issues. It is important to deal with these in non conflict moments.
It is always important to revisit episodes of angry conflict for the purpose of understanding what happened, what the issues and hidden issues are and what to do differently next time. What are the take-aways? We need to learn from past negative experiences and be intentional about not repeating the same mistakes and sins. Mature and humble people learn from their mistakes and make a plan to do things differently in the future.
Some examples of issues in marriages are: money, parenting, sex, careers, religion, relatives, friends, addictions, jealously. Examples of hidden issues are: pride, power and control (who’s in charge), commitment, priorities, integrity, unconditional love and acceptance. Problem solving discussion of issues needs to be pursued with mutual respect and active listening and paraphrasing. Always check to see if you have understood what the other person said. Always ask if that person feels heard and understood. Be intentional about clarifying something that has been misunderstood and not clearly communicated. Often hidden issues are unknown and counseling is needed. Some signs of hidden issues are: not wanting to talk about something, not being able to apologize, quick triggers, score keeping, spinning your wheels, or not being able to come to an agreement.
It is important to choose an appropriate time to talk about difficult topics. Not letting the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26) does not mean that you keep talking into the wee hours of the morning. Typically, nothing productive is accomplished after 9:00 or 10:00 P.M. when we are tired. This is a good time to “table” the discussion kindly and without anger and come back to it when all are rested. Use the phrase, “I care about you and this is important, but this is not a good time. Let’s finish talking about it tomorrow.” Set a time within 24 hours to return to the discussion.
“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” Proverbs 16:24 (NASB).
Blessings,
Elsie
(Adapted from “Hidden Issues and Issues/Events Model.” Christian PREP Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. Stanley, Trathen, McCain, 1997)