Having provided sexual addiction screening for the Association of Free Lutheran Congregations (AFLC) for the past nine years, I have screened my share of pastors who are living double lives, one public and one private. The public life the pastor presents is sinless, competent, and spiritual. The private one is secretive, sinful, and ashamed. Were he found out, the double life pastor is convinced he would be fired by the congregation on the spot. Unfortunately there is some truth behind that fear for some congregations have done exactly that. Perhaps it would be wise to explore how pastors begin leading double lives in the first place. My observation from counseling pastors and having been a pastor for over 30 years has given me a unique perspective on why pastors resort to leading double lives and why they fall. There are four characteristics that put pastors in harm’s way. Those four characteristics are aloof, arrogant, alone, and accountable to no one. Let’s consider each.

Double life pastors are ALOOF. Synonyms for aloof include: distant, detached, unfriendly, antisocial, unsociable, avoidant, remote, unapproachable, formal, stiff, withdrawn, reserved, standoffish. You might say, “Well our pastor isn’t like that. He’s quite approachable and friendly.” Probably so but remember so are double life pastors. To the public they appear approachable, friendly, caring, and compassionate. In private, however, they are aloof and often unapproachable to family members. 

Double life pastors are ARROGANT. They truly feel as though they are superior to others, certainly to their congregants, but even to other pastors. Their arrogance is usually couched in humble terms but it is really pride masquerading as humility. For example, “I was only able to read through the bible one time this year. I’m such a slacker.” The underlying message in that example is the pastor usually reads through the bible multiple times every year and he wants you to know it so you’ll realize how spiritual he is. Arrogance is a form of pride and God opposes pride (1 Peter 5:5, 6).

Double life pastors are ALONE. Though they have many acquaintances, they rarely have close friends. What’s the difference? Acquaintances know the pastor on the surface, the public one. They, however, never get too close or know too much about him. He has no friends who know him, truly know him, warts and all. He does not have the kind of friends who know that the pastor is a sinner yet love him anyway. Double life pastors are lonely. They have no one whom they can trust, no one who is out for their best interests, and no one who can speak truth into their lives.

Finally, double life pastors are ACCOUNTABLE TO NO ONE. There is no one holding the pastor’s feet to the fire, no one who can say “no” to him, no one whom the pastor deems trustable. Because they fear that if the congregation knew of his secret life he’d be fired, the double life pastor trusts no one. He has no accountability in his life and, as Billy Graham once remarked, “A man without accountability is an accident waiting to happen.”

Pray for your pastor. The pressures on him, both internally and externally, are severe. Pray for him to walk in integrity and purity. Pray for God to protect him from the evil one for every pastor has a target painted on his chest and the flaming arrows of the evil one aimed at his heart.

Irv