My college-aged son and I sat in the Perkins Restaurant late on a Friday night. We had come for a late night burger. The conversation moved from food and sports to dating. He was single and wanted to know what to beware of as he dated women on campus. As a pastor/counselor I presented my thoughts in terms of red flags and the probability of marital success. As he and I talked about each of the signs I noticed that other college students gathered in adjoining booths to listen. Soon six other students, men and women, were listening intently to our “private” conversation. Based on the assumption that if none of the signs are present, there is 100% probability of the marriage being a success, each of the flags diminishes the probability by 50%. Here are the 11 red flags that I shared that night:
- Pregnancy. Pregnancy is a red flag because there is pressure to marry, not for love, but out of duty. The responsibility of parenting a baby is often overwhelming and one partner, usually the male, may decide he is not ready to be a father and leaves the relationship. This red flag will be resolved when the baby is born.
- No parental support. If neither set of parents supports the relationship that is a danger sign. The big question is “why.” Why don’t they support it? What do they see in the other partner or in the relationship that you aren’t seeing? This danger sign may change in time.
- No job. How will we pay for the wedding? How will we pay for normal living expenses? How will this couple support themselves? This red flag is easily resolved by getting a job.
- Addiction. This is a tough one to overcome. Couples are smart to wait to marry until the addicted partner has overcome the addiction. This red flag can be resolved but if the couple does not wait to marry the probability of success declines significantly.
- Not a high school graduate. High school graduates earn significantly more money over their lifetime than non-high school grads. This red flag is equally true if one partner is a college graduate and the other is not. This sign can be resolved by either returning to school or getting a GED.
- Anger/abuse background in dating. If one partner is angry and physically, emotionally, verbally, spiritually, or sexually abusive in the dating relationship know that it will not improve in the marriage. This red flag is not easily resolved without significant counseling and heart change on the part of the abuser.
- Indebtedness and no financial reserves. Indebtedness is a stressor and a pressure that can weigh heavily on the marriage. This is easily resolved but may take time to pay off the debt and save a percentage of all income.
- Divorce in background. If one partner has been divorced, it puts a strain on the marriage and becomes easier to divorce a second time. This cannot be resolved and lowers the probability of success in the marriage.
- Neediness. This is a subjective impression of the partner. The needy partner comes across as being overly “clingy” or incapable of making decisions or functioning on their own. After a period of time in the marriage the neediness moves from cute to become a major source of irritation and conflict. This is not easily resolved apart from counseling.
- Racial Differences. This is a controversial red flag in several ways. There is nothing in the Bible forbidding couples of different races from marrying. In fact the Apostle Paul declared that in Christ there is “no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all” (Colossians 3:11). It is racist to forbid believers of differing races to marry. However, it is wise to warn them that, should they marry, someone (one or the other partner, an in-law, a brother, sister, or friend) may play the race card against them. Outsiders may revile them for having an interracial marriage. Realize also that there are typically cultural differences with which to contend as well. This cannot be resolved but if the couple is determined to marry they need to enter with their eyes wide open.
- Religious Differences. This is not simply differences in churches or denominations but differences between a believer and a non-believer. The Bible calls such a union sinful It uses the term, “unequally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14), an ancient expression for plowing with two different animals. This red flag can be resolved by the unsaved partner receiving Christ. The question, however, arises, “Did the unsaved partner simply pray to receive Christ to please the saved partner so they could marry or did they genuinely repent and receive Christ as Savior because they came to realize they were lost and hell-bound?” This is not easily discerned. If unresolved, this is a deal-breaker.
As you can see, some of the red flags are resolvable while others are not. Some are more significant than others. If all 11red flags are present in dating the probability of a successful marriage is less than ½ of 1%!
God designed marriage,
Irv