Because communication is such a key factor in marital satisfaction, we need to understand some basic dynamics to make conversations between spouses easier, clearer, and better received. If we can master these our marriages will become exponentially more satisfying. Here are eight suggestions which Elsie and I have learned from couples we counsel.

1. Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.
2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. If you quickly suggest a solution to your partner’s dilemma, he or she is likely to feel that you are trivializing or dismissing the problem.
3. Show genuine interest. Don’t let your mind or eyes wander.  Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize.
5. Take your spouse’s side.  Be supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Your job is to say “poor baby.”
6. Express a “we are on the same team” attitude. If your mate is feeling alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together.
7. Express affection and comfort. Hold your mate; put an arm on his or her shoulder, hug and say, “I love you.”
8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you.

See. Those aren’t so hard, are they?

Irv