First time obedience? Really? Is there such a thing these days? Is it even appropriate to teach obedience or do we want to encourage children to make their own choices?

The child rearing years are typically the most challenging years of a marriage. Parenting is a full time occupation for which most people are not adequately prepared. Without instruction, the tendency is to duplicate how we were parented (with the underlying assumption that we turned out “Okay”) or to choose the opposite parenting style. For example, if someone was raised by excessively rigid parents, that person may choose a more permissive parenting approach. If someone was raised with too little guidance, they may choose a more structured and strict parenting style. Either approach has its limitations since we are not able to objectively self assess how we turned out. Also either style is determined by our own subjective experience. The better plan is to follow the instructions God has given us in His Word. The Bible provides moral principles and ethical standards essential for the development of internal righteous character qualities. Parenting is all about character. Who are our children on the inside? Who is each of us on the inside? As important as honorable external behavior is, it does not necessarily reflect successful parenting. Parents must reach the heart of the child in order to develop positive character. How will they behave when no one is looking? If you, as parents, need that kind of training, Irv and I are offering Growing Kids God’s Way, a 17 week parenting class starting this October (see Irv’s article above for details).

Without parenting their heart, the child will not learn to honor God in their private moments. They will always be looking, consciously or unconsciously, for moments to be free of external control— moments when they think no one is watching. They will fail to learn self control and will not be characterized by positive character qualities. Social skills will be lacking, and they will be poorly prepared for the responsibilities of adult life.

So yes. It is important to teach obedience. Specifically it is important to teach obedience to God’s standard of righteousness. When we obey God’s standard, life works. It may not necessarily be easy, but God’s way always works. Pursuing holiness is the path towards happiness. Pursuing happiness alone is empty and futile. Until a child has learned to obey their parents, God, and appropriate authorities, they are not ready for choices. It is not a matter of making their own way, feeling empowered and being their own person initially. It ultimately comes down to choosing to obey God or choosing to be the god of their own life.

First time obedience is really not as hard as we think. First of all, we need to not undermine our own parenting by such things as threatening and repeating what we have already said, bribing our child, or negotiating in conflict.

Here are some principles:

1. When you speak to your child in a way that requires an answer or action, you should expect an immediate and complete response. If you really do not expect them to comply, they probably won’t.
2. Never give a command unless you intend for it to obeyed. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Follow through with action as needed.
3. If you use the count to 3 approach, simply change the number to 1 and you will have first time obedience.
4. It is often helpful to give your child a five-minute warning regarding an upcoming event, e.g. the time to leave the house for school.
5. When a child continually disobeys, he is in sin. When parents continually reinforce the sin by not correcting it, they are in sin.

Babies arrive small and sweet and innocent. They are totally dependent. Yet, even innocent little babies have a sin nature. They depend on us as parents, grandparents, and teachers to teach them the way they should go.

“He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you, But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8

On the journey with you,

Elsie

• Portions adapted from “Principles of Obedience,” Growing Kids God’s Way, 5th Edition, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, 1996, pp, 147-159.