Emotional intelligence is an important area of focus in the professions of counseling, life coaching and other mental health fields. It has been said to be the best predictor of work and relationship success. It is also referred to as EQ similar to the way IQ refers to someone’s intelligence quotient. Many job applications now include EQ assessments. Unlike IQ which does not change much over the course of a person’s life time, emotional intelligence can be improved. Emotional intelligence refers to a person’s ability to recognize their emotions and manage them well. It also refers to the ability to understand the emotions of others and be able to manage relationships well. Emotional intelligence has a lot to do with emotional maturity. People who have an impressive resume, years of education, required degrees, and years of experience in a specific field may “look good on paper” but not be able to function well in work or personal relationships.

Socialization and learning how to handle various types of relationship are important aspects of parenting and elementary education. In order to grow and develop into healthy adults, children need to be taught to value self and others equally. If they don’t learn this as children, they will not be adequately prepared for life and will not have a healthy EQ. Two extreme examples would be a narcissist and a “pleaser” type person. The narcissist overvalues himself/herself and undervalues others; while the pleaser overvalues others and undervalues himself/herself. It is hard to be a team player in relationships of any kind without valuing both self and others equally.

The starting place for growth in emotional intelligence is self-awareness. Often times other people see things in us that we do not see in ourselves. If we are not open to accepting input from others, we will consistently miss opportunities to learn and grow and increase our emotional intelligence. This even happens in counseling. Sometimes people come for counseling and have a serious issue but are not willing to change anything and do the repair work required.

When we find ourselves continually coming to the same place of disappointment in relationships and are consistently attracted to people who ultimately leave or cause us to want to leave, it is time to do some introspection. The happy news is that EQ can be assessed and improved. The value of assessment is to provide the self-awareness needed to begin the process. Self-awareness means understanding our emotional intelligence, our unique personality strengths and limitations, and our relational and vocational skills. Before we can live in our strengths, we need to know what they are and how to minimize the obstacles that hold us back.

I think an emotionally healthy person is someone who is wise. We can find out a lot about wisdom from the book of Proverbs in the Bible. Proverbs 3:7 warns us to not be wise in our own eyes. We need to be open to receiving input and instruction and never assume we have all the answers. Proverbs 19:20 says, “Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days.” (NASB) Wise people understand and manage their own emotions and are also able to empathize with the emotions of others. Wise, emotionally healthy people value healthy boundaries which enable and protect healthy relationships.

Elsie