Are you a perfectionist? How would you know? Perfectionism is defined by Webster’s dictionary as, “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.” Perfectionism is not to be confused with excellence. According to the DSM-IV (p. 669-671), perfectionism is a characteristic of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and drives the victim mercilessly to set unrealistic goals and attempt to achieve them. Excellence, on the other hand, is characterized by setting realistic goals and doing one’s best to achieve them. Failure by the perfectionist often leads to despair and depression. Failure by the one committed to excellence is seen as a learning experience and leads to trying again.
Why do people become perfectionists? Fear. Perfectionists are fearful people. Afraid of what? They are afraid of losing control of their lives, afraid of what others might think of them, afraid of failure. They are insecure and the way they make themselves feel secure and not afraid is by controlling their circumstances. I once had a client who was a public school teacher. As a perfectionist he was preoccupied with making sure he corrected every paper, quiz, and test perfectly which meant going over them repeatedly lest he make a mistake. He would often grade a student’s test three or four times to make sure there were no errors! This compulsive behavior caused him a great deal of stress. He was often late for meals and neglected his family.
Having a relationship with a perfectionist is difficult. It is hard to measure up to their rigid standards. They are intense personalities who expect others to live by the same standards they do and when they don’t the perfectionist can be critical.
How do I counsel clients who are perfectionists? One way that I’ve found effective is to explore with the client the fear driving the perfectionism and the lie underlying that fear. Once the lie is exposed, repented of, and exchanged for the truth, we talk through how to handle future circumstances that could provoke perfectionistic behavior. For the teacher described above, the lie was “I cannot trust God to protect me and because I can’t trust Him, I have to take matters into my own hands. That drives me to do everything perfectly.” Once he confessed his sin of unbelief, I urged the teacher to use his woodworking skill to carve a plaque for his desk at school that read, “One Time Only. Trust Him.” Every time he graded papers the plaque would remind him to trust God, not himself, for the results.
Irv