Unspoken Family Rules that kill family relationships
All families have rules. Some are spoken and known by everyone in the family. Spoken rules might include we don’t eat without first praying and thanking God for the food or we don’t wear shoes inside the house, we take them off in the entryway. The rules are stated and everybody obeys them.
Some rules are unspoken but still known by everyone in the family. Here are five unspoken rules that are silent killers to healthy family relationships.
1. No Talk Rule
This rule is usually never spoken but everyone knows there are certain topics that are taboo and not to be discussed. This leads to family secrets and even hypocrisy. For example, we don’t talk about dad’s drinking problem or mom’s divorce. Addictions thrive on the “no talk” rule. Addictions virtually require secrecy and deception to stay alive and the no talk rule aids that.
2. No Think Rule
This unspoken family rule adopts the World War II motto, “Ours not to reason why; ours but to do or die!” The “no think” rule in a family dictates that we don’t question a command or requirement nor do we ask “why.” We simply comply and render obedience. Family members are never told to think for themselves. Children are never given the reasons behind orders. They simply obey.
3. No Trust Rule
Trust must be earned. When the no trust rule is in place, family members learn that loyalty must be given only to family members, whether they deserve it or not. Non-family members can never be trusted, whether they have earned it or not. “We only trust our own” is the motto for the no trust rule. This leads to constant suspicions about the motives of others and ultimately isolationism.
4. No Faith Rule
“If I can’t see it, touch it, taste it, or smell it, it isn’t real.” That’s the motto of the no faith rule. Those defending the no faith rule often declare themselves realists. They might say they live by faith but the reality is they don’t. They live as if this life is all there is and “God helps those who help themselves.” Family members who seek to live for Jesus Christ are mocked or ridiculed for their faith.
5. No Feel Rule
With the no feel rule, family members are not allowed to express emotions or feelings. Though never stated, the unspoken rule is either you shouldn’t feel a certain way or you should keep your feelings to yourself (i.e. stuff them inside you). Family members who express feelings, especially negative ones, are told to “stop feeling that way” or given the silent treatment by other family members. Displaying feelings is considered a sign of weakness and vulnerability and is uncomfortable.
Why are these five unspoken rules silent killers? They kill relationships within the family. The five are often on full display in the family of the addict and the unhealthy, dysfunctional family. Finally, how can these five killers be overcome? Do the opposite! Be courageous and speak about them. If the unspoken rule is no talk, push the family to talk about hard things. Get the secrets out in the open. Talk about them. If the unspoken rule is no feel, identify it and verbalize it to the family by letting them know that it doesn’t feel safe to express feelings in our family. Ask what we can do about that.
Helping you detoxify your family,
Irv