“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Psalm 13:12 (NASB) 

When people come for marriage counseling and also marriage preparation counseling, they often become aware that they have different expectations regarding their relationship. Expectations are beliefs about the way things will be or should be. Unmet expectations can be the source of disagreement, conflict and disappointment. Thus it is important to discover what these expectations are and how to deal with them.

In marriage preparation counseling, our couples complete a workbook lesson devoted to expectations. Sometimes we hear them say that they really don’t have any specific expectations in certain areas. As they share their individual answers to specific questions with each other, it is soon clear that expectations are present. In marriage counseling, expectations are more obvious and often connected to significant hidden issues.

Sometimes differing premarital expectations are “deal breakers.” For instance, if one person does not want to have any children and the other person passionately wants to have children, there is no way to compromise. This expectation is important to know before they get married. For those who take marriage vows seriously, there are certain things we need to know before we say “I do.” Full disclosure is in the best interest of long term relationships.

There are three key expectation problems. It is possible to be unaware of our own expectations; sometimes our expectations are unreasonable; and sometimes we may know our own expectations and they may be reasonable, but we have not communicated them. The best way to manage expectations is to be aware of what our own expectations are, be reasonable in what we expect, and openly communicate about what we expect.

Some examples of typical expectations that people have pertaining to marriage are: Who will do what kind of work inside and outside the home? How will important decisions be made? What are our spiritual beliefs and do we agree on church involvement? Other issues include money, in-laws, holidays, and deeper issues like dependence and independence, closeness, and jealousy.

Where do expectations come from? Many of our marital expectations come from our family-of-origin. We are inclined to want to do things the same way our family did . . . or the exact opposite. Some expectations come from our own dating and relationship history. Some often come from culture and media.

Expectations are operating within us and, depending on whether or not we have discussed them openly, can produce friction and disappointment. Expectations are an important concern to address early and often, before and after marriage. We need to understand what our own expectations are (we all have them), check to be sure our expectations are reasonable, and communicate our expectations to our spouse. When we discover our differing expectations, we can move forward in the process of resolving through mutual discussion and compromise, being mindful that we are on the same team!

Blessings,

Elsie The Power of Expectations