When people come for counseling they often share either directly or indirectly their longing for someone to listen to them and understand their situation. This is a real need for all of us. In addition, the most common presenting problem that couples mention is communication issues. You would think that people who know each other well enough to get married and especially those who have been married for some time would know how to communicate with each other. That is often, however, not the case. You would also think that people who are on the same page spiritually and have many things in common would know how to talk to each other respectfully. You would also hope that people who love each other would not seek to wound each others with reckless words. Again, this is often not the case.
While communication is typically not the only issue and often not even the main issue, without respectful, direct, and engaged speaking and listening, people never get to the deeper issues. If talking and listening is not respectful and safe, communication will not happen.
Irv and I use a helpful tool called the Speaker-Listener Technique with our clients and in our personal life conversations. It is a structured and safe way to communicate which was developed by the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), under the direction of Drs. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley, et al. The Speaker-Listener Technique lowers the potential for misunderstanding and conflict and supports the need to be heard and understood.
The Speaker-Listener Technique creates structure and allows for only one person to speak at a time. The job of the speaker is to communicate clearly and calmly in a few sentences at a time what they need to say. The listener’s job is to actively listen and paraphrase back to the speaker what they heard him/her say without comment. The goal of the listener is to gain understanding without judging or arguing. The speaker’s goal is to be heard and understood. The two share the roles of speaker and listener.
It is important for each person to ask themselves what they want to accomplish in any given conversation. If we want a positive outcome, we need to speak respectfully and kindly.
I would speculate that possibly 90% of all conflict occurs just because of misunderstanding and disrespectful communication. The structure of the SLT slows the conversation down so that safe communication can happen.
Rules for the Speaker:
- Speak for yourself. Don’t mind read!
- Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on.
- Stop to let the Listener paraphrase.
Rules for the Listener:
- Paraphrase what you hear.
- Focus on the Speaker’s message. Don’t rebut.
Rules for Both:
- The Speaker has the floor
- Speaker keeps the floor while Listener paraphrases.
- Share the floor.
(Taken from CPREP, Christian Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program, Inc. 1997.)
May our speech “always be with grace” (Colossians 4:6), and may we be “Quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” James 1:19
Blessings,
Elsie