Counseling is designed to be a safe place for clients to speak honestly and confidentially with their counselor about issues troubling them. For many couples the safe surroundings of a counseling office become a place to air out gripes and differences with their spouse. Often the “he said, she said” pattern emerges with one spouse saying something negative or critical of the other and the other spouse retorting with something equally as hurtful. Often times this leads to escalation or “ramping up” the criticism as one spouse tries to top the other. “He said, she said” may be a normal part of the first session of counseling but is not helpful in future sessions. It is unproductive and destructive.

Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington, is considered the foremost authority on marriage. After much research on the subject of marital communication, Dr. Gottman has discovered the four most destructive communication patterns in marriage and clearest predictors of divorce. He has termed these four destructive patterns “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” The four horsemen of destructive communication are: criticismof partner’s personality, contempt from a position of superiority, defensiveness, and stonewalling, or emotional withdrawal from interaction. On the other hand, stable couples handle conflicts in gentle, positive ways, and are supportive of each other.

Since criticism is one of the four horsemen and is at the heart of “he said, she said,” couples need to quickly move beyond criticism to speaking respectfully and positively to each other. Couples easily forget that they are a team in marriage and what hurts one partner weakens the team. A more effective approach to communication on difficult issues is to use the Speaker-Listener technique (see Elsie’s article). The Speaker-Listener technique slows the conversation down and prevents escalation. It allows couples to focus on the real issues rather than staying stuck in criticism of each other. As the Bible teaches, our words are to be “gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:6). We need to practice . . .

Graciousness in speech,

Irv